And so here we are. This time of year always catches me in a weird place. It doesn’t feel like it should be so close to the holidays and yet here we are again. Thanksgiving is just a couple weeks away and soon we’ll be hanging up the stockings and ornaments. We whip and bend around the back roads as if dancing with the fall winds that have come and thrown down the leaves. The trees are mostly bare now and the farmer’s brown field has lost it’s cheer. It’s cold expanse seems to whisper to us; hurry home to warmth!
It’s exciting and unreal and kind of a bummer all at the same time for me. But there’s always been something so intriguing when fall comes and everything dies or hides away for the winter. The anticipation of the first snow. Since I’ve been home full-time these last few years I’ve found I tend to have this ebb and flow of rush and then rest. I like to go, go, go for a couple days or so and then spend half a day resting or hiding away. Sweet baby girl has arrived with all of her demands and we’ve surrendered to the day to day. Not too much planning ahead, just mostly asking what the needs of today are. Some days the priority is to be rested, others its to get a fire under my butt and get things done, but some also to just be and let todos wait until tomorrow.
Slowly but surely the high-energy, social me is finding her way back. This past year I found myself not necessarily withdrawing from social things and people, more just not being so pursuant. I felt as though I had changed somehow and didn’t mind but wondered if it would last. Being an extrovert I feel like I’m the one most often reaching out to others to plan coffee dates or wanting to be at every event and social gathering. This year has been about processing and preparing for all the ways our life was going to change. I found myself more focused on home and my family. Being alone and resting in the quiet moments has been precious and necessary.
It’s a balance. I am so incredibly grateful for the friendships and relationships I have. I have an amazing husband and fun, wonderful, healthy kids. I have a large and loving extended family. I have a tremendous community and just beautiful women of God that love me and pour their joy, love and wisdom into my life. However, being tired, trying to regain a new balance here with everyone at home, and finding our new normal has been a challenge. I haven’t always known what I’ve needed day to day. I’ve had days where I was so exhausted I was letting myself fall into feeling as though I couldn’t do it. I’ve had days where we’ve accomplished so much and I felt like supermom. The days with the meals being brought and friends coming to help. Days where I’ve yelled at the girls or little man struggled for our attention. Days where I just look around and I’m a mess at how blessed and wonderful my life is. Days where I’ve butted heads with my husband over messes and responsibilities. And days where everything is perfect and I rest my head on his chest at the end of the night and drift off… I’m grateful for all the grace he continues to extend me. His kindness and encouragement makes all the difference. Through it all it’s been miraculous, normal, hard and beautiful. I continue to remind myself to take it all in. Remember as much as you can. Write this down. Take those pictures. We can never go back.
Nick and I look at each other and can’t believe how stinkin’ cute she is. I’m learning how to use my Moby wrap all over again. Still figuring this girl out. She likes to be close to us and snuggled, but she sleeps great at night and goes right back to sleep after nursing. So we just shrug, shake our heads, and smile at each other. Typical baby. She’s getting away with murder already. But there’s so much life to do and so we’ll just keep her tucked close and keep enjoying every moment.
I want to share something else… God has done so much to heal the loneliness I used to be so fearful of. For the first time the other day while driving to the school to pick up the girls, I blatantly said no. I’ve found that when the tough days or moments come and the fatigue from a up and down night has me lacking… I’ve found creeping in, thoughts of loneliness and abandonment. The devil wants me to believe that no one helps me, that I’m all alone in this now and permanently, and that I can’t do this. Face value I scoff at that. I have been so covered and surrounded these past weeks and months. In the tired, overwhelming moments I’ve found his arrows trying to hit the places I’ve left unarmored and bare.
So I stand my ground. I pray and cry out to God. I text and am honest with needs. I share my heart and ask for prayer. I’m learning more and more how to shout loud and strong at the wind. We were never meant to do this alone.
If your fall is here and your trees have been made bare… If you’re cold and tired from life whipping and raging at you… Know this isn’t the totality of your life. It doesn’t end here. God goes before you and fights your battles. You are not alone and you are so very precious to Him. I pray that He meets all of your needs. Stand firm on his truth and promises. Cry out to Him. Let your house be made on the rock of Jesus Christ. Watch those mountains be thrown down into the depths of the sea…