I posted yesterday on my IG about having a rough day with my son. Just not being able to give him the attention and ability to get energy out… One friend of four told us a couple months back that adding that 4th kid was, “pretty much more of the same circus you already know… just a little louder.” Lol.
My husband has been off of work too since we headed to labor and delivery. His company is pretty supportive of family and it’s been a huge blessing to have him working from home but not at 100%. Just a few calls and emails here and there. It’s been awesome to see him be able to spend so much time just being home.
Anyhow all that to say, I was surprised yesterday to feel a little bit of loneliness creeping into my heart. Hindsight maybe that’s what contributed to my lack of attentiveness. But I questioned it, like why should I feel that way? Always a good exercise to examine your feelings. They’re reading something, good or bad, and letting God lead you in that always proves healing, and lends us wisdom, growth and insight.
But it’s been really good so far. So many friends and family showing up and blowing up. So much support. So why should I feel that way? I believe that the totality of our lives isn’t to be cooped up inside our own world for very long. There’s a balance. Maybe it’s the extravert in me talking. My family and household is absolutely my number one priority, but my life isn’t 100% supposed to be about me. That’s why even in posting on my IG with baby girl pictures and family, there’s always something that God is showing us in every season. He wants to walk with us, speak to us, lead us in all of it. Granted my kid is only almost 2 weeks old… it’s not like I’ve been hidden away for months. Lol but my life has changed so completely in these last few days and it’s all going to be a day by day process for a while. It’s going to be hard to know what I need week to week and I feel like God’s drawing me more to a daily dependance on Him. To seek Him each day because He knows me inside and out and knows what we need before we even ask. So I can trust Him that He’s going to lead me in this whole thing. So if I stay close, listen and follow, I’ll continue to grow and flourish through this whole new season.
Today I get a couple of you offering to take my son for a play date. I get another friend asking to bring a meal or come clean something for me. I ran an errand to Walmart all by myself (can I get a hallelujah?!) and the sweet, sweet lady at the checkout was just an angel. Her kindness amidst not feeling well was just beautiful and tender. She absolutely made my day. So then I run to the corner to grab smoothies for the fam for a fun surprise and the mailman asks if he can open my van door for me on my way out. Just absolute simple, genuine kindness. I needed it somehow and didn’t realize it. I feel like my Heavenly Father was just pursuing me in his tender kindness today. I see you, you’re amazing, and I love you. You’re precious to me.
So all this to say, that with so much help, so much kindness, I felt like I got to a point in my heart this week where it felt overwhelming. Like, I shouldn’t accept this much help. Don’t take too much help, you should do most of it on your own. But that’s the orphan heart robbing me of relationship, of fellowship, and of community and friendship with others. The truth is to have true relationship and community there is a back and forth. It’s easier to give and then not let anyone help you in return. It feels safer that way. In reality it wrecks my heart in an incredible way to be loved so much. And yet I feel temptation to fight it, like I don’t deserve it or haven’t earned it. Wow, how simple things can show you even deeper levels of your heart and soul. Things that The Father longs to touch and restore.
We all have needs. We all have our giftings. God intended us to be the body. Connected. Needing each other. Relying on each other. With Him in the center of it all. Literally by His blood, flowing through and binding us all together. I’m learning how to not be so independent. It’s hard. Just receive it. The Bible says that Israel was blessed to be a blessing, so now that we’re in Christ it’s the same for us. But if I refuse a blessing, how can I allow us all to bless and give and act in each of our giftings and moments of obedience if in my brokenness or orphan mindset I refuse?
“Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.” ~Proverbs 3:3
Your kindness means so much, friends. It tells someone they’re seen and valued and loved. So thank you again, for whatever level of love and support you’ve extended our way. Whether it be a loving congrats or comment on social media, to a meal, to helping with our kids, to a visit or text.
Day by day, friends. Enjoy each moment, for it’s passing quickly.