I’ve heard it said before that, “right about when you think you’re exhausted from explaining your heart/message/vision/mission – is right about the time people start getting it…”
Our Lighthouse Experiment team has hit some of those thoughts and feelings over the past few months. I think I believed that because I had started The Encouraging Voice a bit before diving into The Lighthouse Experiment, that I wouldn’t be so surprised by it. I honestly thought in many ways that I had passed the stage of some of those thoughts and feelings.
It’s also easier for me to connect with folks one on one too. I mean, we’re all like that, right? Social media is incredible and amazing and I’m so grateful for how it connects us together. We have an access into each other’s lives in a way that was impossible before. I have cousins and family that I can at least get glimpses into each of their lives and share mine too. While in the thick of this raising a family gig, I know time is quite the commodity at the moment. So I love social media for that.
On the downside it’s made stuff like blogging and sharing my passion and heart a bit more frustrating. Call me a typical millennial that loves, and maybe borderline, craves feedback. I think I’ve gotten a handful of likes on some of my posts and maybe a few
comments here and there from what I think are other bloggers trying to engage and build connections. And while I’ve purposely tried to put things out without any strings attached, it’s not like sitting down face to face. I’ve sat across the table from so many families and individuals and talked about hard life things, hard financial situations, hard marital conflicts and situations and other stuff. To see emotions and tears and frustrations and then have the authority and privilege of speaking into those hearts and situations is something that I will forever treasure. It’s been an absolute gift and something I have thanked God for countless times, and prayed wisdom desperately over as I’ve driven into driveways and Panera parking lots.
So when I sit down to write for The Encouraging Voice it’s always been about more than me or my little life here in Fenton, MI. It’s more than my family or marriage or how I raise my kids. This was never intended to be another “how to” blog but a source of encouragement and empowerment for God to speak hope, encouragement, truth and strength into your life. Such monumental things and yet all I hear back is silence.
So let me switch sides. In many ways that’s better for me. That means that whatever God is going to do through my blog is on Him. It’s something between you and The Father and the silence takes me out of the equation. Which to be honest, it’s better that way, right? I don’t want the praise and attention and that’s not what I’m asking for. I guess I just want to know that what I have to say isn’t just falling away into cyberspace, unheard and unused. That my time and words are worth it. I know it is, but at this point I feel like I’m repeating myself. I poured my heart and soul into so many of these posts and have given what I was supposed to. I was honest and deep, open and heartfelt.
So maybe I’m just having a hard time sharing my life and what God’s doing while I’m in the middle of things. It’s one thing to share testimonies and things that He’s doing after the fact. I can have a beginning, middle and end to these posts and have it all tied together by the end of the page. I can look back in retrospect and see the lessons and heart change. Now life looks different again and God is doing something new and it’s taking me time to figure it out and put my words to it. I also think about what things aren’t meant to be shared just quite yet when God isn’t done speaking and leading. Life has completely turned on its
head from what I thought it would look like from even last year. I’ve been praying for deeper healing and intimacy in our marriage because while we don’t have things ‘going wrong,’ neither of us ever want to get to a point in our life and relationship where we’re just coasting. And now here we are taking one step at a time through new lessons, health changes, and needing to trust each other and communicate in deeper and different ways than ever before… And then we were praying about whether or not to have one more baby and now here we are 30 weeks pregnant… We prayed for further guidance and goals in our businesses and
endeavors and in many ways it feels as though we’ve been set to a holding pattern. We felt like we were really gaining momentum and then God has put us in a new place of listening, waiting, and seeking Him out. God has absolutely been doing things in this home and in our hearts but again, it’s never what we expected but it’s everything that He’s planned and ultimately what we need and desire. So I’m amazed and grateful and confused and at peace. It’s all been this amazing, frustrating, step-by-step process and I don’t have it all figured out yet. I’m still in the middle of it all.
Maybe when it all comes down to it, I just want to either know I’m in the right place or just please put me facing in the right direction. And really I know I am. I have never had this much peace in focusing on my home and family. It doesn’t mean I’ve pulled away or that I’ve backed off and don’t want community. It just means that the energy I was spending in pursuing folks in the midst of their life, hardships, or transitions is now being spent at home with my kids and baking this sweet baby girl. Just because I’m not reaching out constantly to folks doesn’t mean I’m not available. Message me, text me, call me. I’m still here and willing. It just looks a little different right now. And there’s been those that have. God, I’ve been so blown away at the things that I have been entrusted with this year. I have been given access again into tender situations and been given permission to know, to encourage, to pray and to speak life. It’s all been in God’s perfect timing for me
to be in the places that I have been this year. Again, it’s just all looked so different than I thought it would, or that it has before.
I am so grateful for my community. After our son was born four years ago… after my brother passed away… after we moved… so many other seasons where God has taught me how to pursue friendship and community and trust in His provision for our family emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It’s not always been easy. There’s been times where I’ve been so lonely and so tired. There’s been times I’ve been so broken and frustrated. But God has always been faithful and in every moment He’s been working in my heart and working in my family and in my husband. That’s always been my prayer.
So do you want to hear my heart? Go look at some old blog posts. They’re still what I’d say today. You want to know what I think about loss or community, friendship or finances? Go check out those posts too. I’ll put everything in a book one day but for now they’re here for you. My heart is here and it’s still ever-present and hoping for you to see and believe in God’s heart and plans for you. To go for it and don’t look back with any regrets. Because that’s what I’m still fighting for every day. To be present, to be willing, to hear and see the heart of my Heavenly Father for me, moment by moment… and to glorify Him and trust Him in all of it.
Grateful. Blessed. Still walking this out…