Processing Change.

What you don’t realize when you are reading one of these things from me is that before I even started there were minutes and hours of thinking and trying to figure out where I was going to start and how everything would get put together. I have wanted so much to sit and write over these past few weeks but there’s the writer in me that wants to make it smooth and put together and have it all summed up and tied in a gorgeous bow.

Life isn’t quite that way.

But somehow the writing needs to come together. For it to make sense, for you to feel the build and culmination of my heart and thoughts and understand and enjoy this journey. I want to connect with your heart and help you see that things are possible. Dream bigger, trust God, heal and grow. It can’t just be a downloading exercise just for my own purposes. If that were the case this wouldn’t be a public blog or website. There’s a deeper intent here in sharing these hard and tender things with you. My life should be used in such a way that brings healing, encouragement, wisdom and hope to you. That you could take away something that adds value. If not then this is just a selfish exploit to garner some attention and likes. This is all for you.

I’m pregnant!

If you follow me on FB or IG maybe you saw my announcement back in the end of February. We’re due September 25th and we’re totally geeked, totally on board, and totally ready to shoot the moon here with number 4! For the last couple years we’ve been fighting the idea of having any more just because it’s been a handful with what’s on our plates already and my husband and I always fight to do the reasonable and right thing. At the same time we didn’t feel 100% settled with being absolutely done. The last three years have also held so much joy, triumph and hardship that it’s been a journey to just hang in there through the storms and let God lead the way. Our faith and resolve in our purpose is so much deeper and God has set us free from financial debt and I have experienced God’s love and pursuit in such radical and tangible ways. We finally felt like the time was right.

Grateful.

So I find myself in a season of inexpressible gratitude. I just can’t believe I’m here some days… as in the places and things we’re involved in, the time of our lives with our marriage, family and kids, and just thinking of what our future holds. Life has just seemed to turn on its head all over again for me. I never really, to be completely honest with myself, gave myself the credit that I could be a mother to a ‘big’ family. Having this fourth baby is just sending me into such a weird place emotionally and mentally. I feel different about life right now and what it means to pursue others. I feel like I’m finally in a place where I just seem to be getting it with how to slow down and pursue my kids. I’m trying to process how this baby is going to completely change everything about our family and everything we’ll ever know and experience for our future.

And there’s nothing tangible to process. Just all of this rolling around in my heart and head. We’ll take this one day at a time, the only way we can, and adjust and do what we need to. And it’s going to take time. So for me to wait all year to finally share my journey of this pregnancy and the changes with our life and family… that would be ridiculous in some ways. When I desire to share my heart for the encouragement of yours… well at some point I just have to stop the gears turning and chattering and just share where I’m at.

In about a month we’ll find out if it’s a girl or a boy and then we can start making some plans here as far as how we’re doing bedroom arrangements and how that’s all going to go. It’s going to be a little tight around here which is also giving us some planning headaches. LOL We’re both planners and fixers in that way. We just want to know what we’re doing and just get along with it! I also feel a bit removed from this kiddo but finally starting to pop out a little and feel more pregnant. Excited to pick out a name and truly excited to know this person that I’m going to fall madly in love with… and I don’t even know who they are yet, what they look like, or their name… I just know they’re coming soon and I’ll be ready and absolutely abundantly overwhelmed with so many emotions…

IMG_4024

The first picture of my Fantastic Four!

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