Organizing thoughts.

Usually when I sit down to write I’ve spent quite a bit of time processing these jumbling feelings, thoughts and emotions. My heart spends quite a bit of time mulling over the racing thoughts that come over and over. It’s like brushing my daughter’s hair… each passing stroke more of the tangles loosen but usually not without some wiggles, knots and tugs. Be gentle. Take your time. Tonight is different. It’s not as fluid and organized. I just need to get some of this out.

I stood for an hour at the stove tonight. Cutting up cabbage and celery, cooking rice and simmering soup. I meant to call my aunt or at least text her. Today has been a long, tiring, and yet encouraging day. Tracy you hugged me with tears in your eyes and somehow you always know and feel what’s going on underneath. You give me space to be whatever my heart is in that moment. It’s just about impossible to come to church and hide how I feel. I can’t come before a loving God and hide my heart. It’s hard to play the keys though when you can’t see them through tears. I want to be seen and known, and yet it’s overwhelming.

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It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Duet 31:8

Having these incredible people who know me, love me, and are so pulled at my pain is humbling and comforting. I’m grateful that you care. I knew that you would but to receive that love is so comforting. Friends, you’ve been praying and sending so much love. Thank you for the prayers and the hugs. Thank you for praying for my family. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I mourn a loss that I feel even deeper through the pain of those that I love. They talk about their brother and their shock of him being gone and it’s just all too familiar. I can’t wait until I can hug you all around your neck.

Grief is so exhausting. I just have to be willing. Just let God love me and lead me in every step. It’s easy to hide away and let the things go and just want to crawl into bed and sleep. The dishes fill the sink and there’s laundry to put away. Yet just take it one step at a time. I’m actually looking forward to cleaning the house and organizing this week in preparation. As daunting as it can be, I enjoy the big organizing projects. Not the day to day stuff. And as chaotic and painful as the circumstances are, I take joy and look forward to seeing two of the most incredible women I have in my life on Thursday.

Thank you for your prayers. All of you beloved friends and family and even those I don’t know. There’s been an army of you out there praying and it’s made such a difference. Please continue holding my Dad and his sisters in your prayers and my uncle’s three kids especially. These days are just the beginning of adjusting to a new normal with their loss. Jesus thank you for being with us.

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